Another Step

So I've been working on a lot lately. Hard to explain how much really. I've been sorting out a lot of stuff inside my head, problems and issues I didn't deal with for ages and really should have. The experience of opening myself to medical help and chemotherapy and its change of my mindset have really transformed my relation to my own body and mind, and then the world around me as a result. I feel like I'm looking at things now in a much more positive light than ever before. Something I've realized in the last few days that's a pretty mindblowing thing to come to terms with: I don't think if I could go back I'd actually just wish this away. I think this tumour has given me more than it's taken away from me. Forcing me to confront myself in the ways I have and grow so much has been a huge contribution. Opening myself to my own weaknesses has helped me discover my own strength. Every challenge I've faced has been a chance for me to grow. I wish I'd stepped up to the plate sooner. I was so scared to deal with these things, held guilt over them, stress and anxiety. In my head it seemed like they'd be huge issues to deal with, insurmountable foes, but it's turned out every time once you chase the monster down and point the light at him he shrinks. I'm not going to talk too much about the specifics for now, I may get into those parts of the story some day if it seems like it's worth telling, but what I'm thinking about now is moreso what's relative to my central goal and purpose: actualizing the potential of this treatment as much as possible, developing a long term response to the threat of cancer in my life, and sharing as much as I can of the insight I gain as I do so.

I think the mental aspect of the challenge is extremely important. It's not possible or right for me to try and share the insight of what I gained by trying to relate the particulars. What I've been dealing with has been based on a set of events through my life building to this point. I do think though that while I may have experienced a set of extremes a lot of people deal with similar things to what I've been confronting. I found it was hard to be fully at peace with my memory of my life because it seemed incongruous with both my rational understanding of the world and the accounts of memory of people I loved and trusted. That spurred inside me a great sense of self-doubt, and I let that self-doubt attack me and pull me down, and even people around me, for ages. It feels great to have at least started dealing with that. Funny thought that's gone through my head a few times, is I feel almost like a born-again Christian, except I'm still definitely not joining any church! The world just makes more sense and looks a lot better, and it's easier to be more relaxed and nicer from that kind of a point of view.

I'm glad I'm continuing to find these parts that keep reinforcing my strength, because I do think over time the Temodal's effect on my body is slowly and surely building up. The changes I've made, I think dietary mostly, have made a huge difference on that, but they're not enough to completely overcome it. It's still FAR from the kind of idea I had in my head of what I'd be dealing with when facing chemo. It just takes a bit more time and effort in each day to keep myself feeling good, physically and mentally. I think my net effect is still coming out at a very manageable level, but the level of management input it is taking to keep me at that point is definitely significantly higher. I theorize that part of it is over time the body is trying to clean this stuff out and can't get all of it, and it's just building up that little bit of leave-behind slow and steady. I'm actually optimistic that if I continue to follow through on this diet model through the week off to boost that as a cleansing period I could potentially help myself out with next cycle. 119 doses left. 3087.5 g of Temodal to run through this body. Let's hope it gets lots of work done while it goes.