Another Light Turns On

Hi,

In looking into myself and experiencing these moments of insight I've come to a deep moment of recognition in myself. The level of editing of my past I experienced temporarily within my memory, the distortion of my self perception, the physical actualization of it that I brought about within myself: it has a name. I just was thinking about things I've heard through my life and that have kept popping back up in my head, and I googled something I'd heard of a long time ago: Borderline Personality Disorder.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

 I never really read about it then. I just now read the summary for it and it struck home with incredible resonance. I knew, I had had that disorder. It helps explain a lot of the darkness I went through. I don't intend this as a loss of responsibility, but it helps me understand myself better. I can see why I can't seem to even understand myself as I look back into my memories, where these incredibly dark false thoughts in my head came from, and it even ascribes responsibility to a huge amount of other parts of my life. It's a bit scary to say it out loud, but I am in remission of Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't think this is a full explanation. The summary of this "disease" shows they fail to understand what it is. I think it's a combination of a susceptibility and childhood experience. I actually think my hyperactive/excessively fast brain and seemingly extremely accurate memory were significant enabling agents for the creation of this disorder. I felt like because of my visual recognition I could trust my recollection of events more than those around me, because it was seemingly proven true on a few particular occurences as a child. Other ego feeding experiences developed within me a feeling where I was special and could trust my judgment more than the outside. This began to disconnect me from reality and allow me to live within my own world. That was great in some ways, but what felt like freeing myself was in fact hiding in under the wing of the dragon. Slowly yet surely my ego-feeding choice of interpretation turned from freedom into self destruction. Where I felt like I was being brave and taking responsibility and power I was actually hiding from the deeper truths of my vulnerability and interconnected essential nature. I think this tumour was a way of getting me to either see this within myself and defeat it or die trying. That was the dream within me the whole time. I felt like the only peaceful answer to me and this demon I felt growing inside of me was to go to battle, where I'd either learn to tame it or die trying. I never let myself consider the chance of actually defeating it. If I'd gone to war I would have lost my ethical connection and through that my sanity and if it truly exists my soul. What's in me that I interpreted as courage was actually cowardice. Luck, help, and love carried me through the darkest time. Underneath the darkness of my desire for war there was a hint of truth though. I needed a challenge that would strike me deep, deep into myself, and find what was in there. What I really wanted to do in war was die saving the lives of others around me. I fantasized about that a ton through my teenage years. Different ways I could die a hero. I guess in retrospect I was probably trying to save my soul, partly from inner guilt/confusion from rejecting that Catholic school I was sent to.

 I'm going to speak to a professional and attempt to verify my self-diagnosis but I think those who know me well and saw me well will see. My favourite part of that article is the reoccurence rate though! I feel like I've broken through a wall now, and as long as I don't let myself become too scared to hold my responsibility and truth to myself I believe I can keep on going past it. It will be hard at times, I'm sure I owe the world a lot for my means of dealing with this. If I remember as much as I do of my dark times it's hard to imagine what there is in there I've edited out. This combined with my blackout drinking tendency and physical size... it scares me deeply what I've done and don't remember. I can't make up for what I've lost though, at least not directly. There are lines inside myself I sincerely believe I never crossed, and I don't think I'd have the love and support I do if I had. I just need to stay true to myself and do the best I can with the time and energy I've got left. Let's hope there's a lot.