So that was a fun adventure. If you turn yourself into God, you turn yourself into the Devil too. Creation and destruction are inevitably interrelated. I think I accepted the God part subconsciously quickly, but the Devil one took a long time. I'm sure as I look deeper into myself it will be a more complex series of interrelations, this is likely the primary driving neurosis at the base of a compound series, but in identifying it and seizing responsibility for it I believe I've made the right choice. That statement carries and implication of a big step I discovered which came with my choice: opening myself properly to belief. I think part of my issue was I failed to make the distinction between knowledge and belief. This relates back to what I've said before about deduction and induction. I told myself I had, and that rejecting belief was right, but those are two different sides to the same coin, translations in different languages of the same story, each approaching full truth but never reaching it, and if you fail to distinguish between them they intermix in your head and give you false feelings of power and understandings of self. I think this temper I created in myself was my hidden way of admitting to myself that when I stood up on class and rejected belief, I rejected God. Over time I saw that and shared it with my family, but what I didn't realise... I was too scared of death to really reject God, because he was the only way I could understand a gateway to a life without a definite ending. I couldn't accept a finite existence so I clung to God and hid him inside myself, and brought the Devil in alongside him. I believe there is some inner element of me which drove the power of the temper I was able to let out, that was given to me as a gift by the hard work and determination of the family that lies in my past, and in manifesting it as my temper I did them great discredit. What I choose to believe is that the gift given to me built on the will and effort of so much life and energy before me as it has built through greater degrees of complexity and situation is what managed to keep me through this slowly growing inner will for self-destruction which was the manifestation of this inner demon I knew I'd led into my own den. Believing this also enables within me a deeper belief in my ability to conquer Cancer. I don't think it is a direct cause-effect correlation, but I am certain beyond a doubt that the relation between these two phenomenon is not merely coincidental.
Back to the more physical health picture. I've been generating some interesting interpretation of physical stimulus recently. Since I've been off cycle my body's been looking for very different food. As I believe I mentioned before I'm going for a bit of a cleanse, highly acidic, less fatty, spicy, citrus. It seems to be good. It's hard to define interrelation but I had a very mentally productive day of conversation with my Dad yesterday, some very good meditation last night and this morning, and when I woke up today my body gently guided my awareness to an old injury in my hips I had become enabled to begin stretching out and getting rid of.
The first thing that I started the day with though was a bond with Winston. I'd seen yesterday he got a little scuff on his nose, and didn't know what it was. That awakened in me the awareness that I'd not been as open to him and devoted to him as I should be lately. He'd been able to take it, but we are a more symbiotic pair than I'd recognized. I was still drawing from him and I knew it, but I hadn't been feeding back in nearly as much as I need to for how much I give him. It manifested yesterday in whatever incident gave him those marks, and then his body's stress response in producing the light flaking. I need to take him for a good long walk today. To start the day though I groomed him and just spent a good long time bonding and letting him feel the trust and the energy I wanted to share with him. I think even though I was trying to give the experience still fed me more than it took.
Then I brushed my teeth. This is worth noting only because for ages I barely brushed my teeth. Thanks to all the milk I drank obsessively in high school (uhhh 2l/day or a while??) my teeth are rock solid and didn't get too many cavities, but my mouth was definitely more gross than I admitted to myself. I've gotten stringent, but hopefully not neurotic, about brushing my teeth and keeping my mouth clean. As I was brushing my teeth I was kind of impulse stretching in the background. I do that almost non stop, it's how I'm trying to manifest the extremity of energy which lets me get called ADHD. I actually keep that up while writing on here. I try to do it right, I used to always try to pop joints for the short term false stimulus of adrenal release, but now I focus moreso on stretching. It's all about listening to your body. Strain it just the right amount.
That relates to my food intake decision. I've had mild stomach discomfort this off week, but I believe I have a reasonable analysis for cause. The ondansetron was a stomach secretion neutralizing agent (pretty distant approximation of effect), and in keeping on it consistently for a lengthy period I was almost turning my stomach on and off a bunch. Doing so kind of flushed it out and gave it a restart, but it's also a bit low on fuel now and trying to rebuild. That's been the theory behind going for the high citrus high spicy pretty healthcarby food intake. It seems like it should be actually the easiest stuff for the stomach to break down and just get the good micronutrient building materials it needs for its current projects and the energy it needs to power the crews working on the projects. I'm giving it enough energy I think it can create its own materials, but its still less strain on the system to have ideal refined materials provided to it or as close to them as possible in as direct a form as possible.
That reminds me of another doublesided piece of insight: the smoothies I'm making are almost like a grownup version of baby food. Baby food is a super easy to digest extremely high nutrient content pureed substance designed to bridge the gap between milk and solid food. If I step back and look honestly at the level to which I'm self sustaining on smoothies, I've got to admit: kinda like baby food. I was a lucky kid who got fed intense levels of seriously good quality baby food too. My mom made it herself and I was really lucky in her level of devotion she put into the quality of it. That means I have to ask myself: was part of my association to this diet model a part of returning myself to a childhood mind-state so I could self-empathize and walk myself through my own past to gain the level of self-understanding it took to re-program myself clean? Or did drinking those smoothies act as an enabling agent both by the return to micro-macronutrient saturation alongside the psychologically associated stimulation to return me to a psycho-physical state of child-like consciousness, which is enabling the body-mind connection providing me with the greater ability to interpret myself and allow myself to grow?
Fuck knows. Sa da tay.
P.S. I totally thought I was going to talk all about physical body stuff and was over the mental side that's why I named it that before I started writing. It's more fun to not go back and edit to make myself look smooth though. I think that can in fact feed into this self-constructed reality idea, where if you just go in and press delete you never said it. Mentioning this is worthwhile because it reveals the truth that likely if I went in and re-read everything I've posted I'd feel self-conscious about parts in retrospect and want to edit them. I think it's best I leave them as they are. They may actually contain a nice picture of some of the mental patterns which I was breaking out of as I wrote them.
Alongside that idea, I have a bunch of old journal entries I wrote during my period of travels after high school. When I think back to that time, I have a hunch they might provide their own interesting picture of me and this story and mind and its development. Maybe even show some more of the how and why of who I am now, on the good and bad, the consequences and the bonuses. I'll see if I can dig them up and share them.
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