Insight on Confidence

So I was thinking this morning about confidence and its meaning and value, and trying to derive a sensible way to look at it. I think I've chosen a belief that feels very peaceful to me. I needed to make peace between the fact that I seemed to produce somewhat statistically exceptional results and that I refused to accept myself as inherently exceptional. My first interpretation that it was a distorted perception of my subjective interpretation held some value, but the external feedback I was getting was enough to make me feel like it was at least questionable and not be able to come to total peace with it. So I kept coming up with cocky guesses about how I was special and how everyone should listen to me or something. Thank god I was stoned when I got there and was able to step out of myself, look down, and see smug arsehole. What I found was an answer that has a lot more meaning and seems a lot more peaceful. The reason I seem to be a bit exceptional isn't because of any inherent part of me, or anything even within myself, it's the energy poured into me. When I was born, I was born to two extremely ambitious doctors, full of energy. They projected themselves onto me, saw potential on huge levels, dreamed of it, and their energy poured into me and I fed off it. They put so much into me they took away from themselves without seeing it. I just kept taking and taking, open to it, I had friends and space and time and tools and toys to use it all, at least in the summer. They fed my fire alongside their own until they had cut down most of their forest and began to run out of wood. For a while I chased around the world for a source of fuel to burn. At times I tried to burn the world down. Then, slowly but surely, I began to reconnect to a part of myself that I'd connected to deeply as a child. There was a source of fuel I'd never seen but had taken from greatly. The soil beneath my feet, the stars above my head, the everything we are a part of, is more generous than I'd let myself see. I feel as though I'm beginning to open myself to that now. It feels beautiful. I think I need to reconnect even more to another huge source though, and that is the civilization we are. Writing this is a part of that for me. I feel that if I can draw equally from both of those sources it will be another moment of insight...

The important thing though, is that I can accept myself as having exceptional results, but not being exceptional. Everyone can do what I've done, they just need as much help as I've gotten. That's a challenge. I do have to admit it's exceptional the amount of support and love I've been given. Both the material support that is an enabling agent of power to open myself to the even more significant support, which is people believing in me, hoping for me, caring about me. I believe that's what I've begun to feel as I've opened myself up more. The energy of all these people who want to help pouring into me. It makes me grateful. It also makes me want to feed as much as I can back into the world.