So I've started trying to write up an explanation of my experience and interpretation of what I think I've identified as my experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. It's in a very raw rough form now, disjunctive and unedited, and the reason I'm going to share it is to hold myself to a more true form of honesty. One of the facts I have to admit to myself in confessing this idea within myself is that I have a pattern inside myself I need to break. I think writing about myself and doing so in an honest open flow helps me do that. I find if I try to think more like the way I let myself write I can get a clearer perspective on things. I will only thinksay things that I actually hold as true rather than self-creations to reinforce truth constructions within my psyche. This has been a huge tool for cracking into this problem within myself I think. I also distinctly interpret all this friggin dope I've been smokin' and eating as a tool I've used. I certainly don't understand every detail of how but with the amount, its psychoactivity, the level and pace of change, and my subjective experiential evidence, it has to be doing something.
Anyways. I wrote this like a rough draft for the blog, but then realized I should share it right away, because I think if I edit it I could be applying filters to it and reducing its truth in some ways. I'll also be able to add to it a huge amount by pushing further with it and developing it more but I want to share my first pass, so that this step and part of my development is on record and I can hold myself to it.
It's not a chronological freeflow of thought, but it's not a properly organized writeup. I didn't think it was going to turn out as big as it was, and I started off trying to put together just a basic structure, but then more came out of me. I sort of started trying to put it where it should go then just kept writing until I felt like I'd ran out for now. Here goes.
Generated hypothesis re: BPD
Complex compound neuroses. Symptoms are neuroses compounding and escalating to level of psychosis.
Genetic + Experiential factors lend to likelihood, but choice of individual is inevitable factor.
Genetic factors: processing speed, strong memory, high emotional sensitivity..??first guesses
Experiential factors: contrast of experience. confidence boosting seemingly objective reference, alongside v. negative reinforcement. confidence boosting experiences to boost confidence in memory to point where trust of subjective memory becomes higher than trust of other external sources. receive reinforcing feedback of pattern. fail to process fact that subjective memory inherently contains interpretation of events, even if visual/verbal memory is 100% accurate. give subjective interpretation value of objective source within own life and hold to absolute truth. fail to process different between truth and absolute truth. truth best answer possible, absolute truth holding no error. truth always inherently flawed, ie 2d rep of 3d object. inherent flawed nature seems scary but is in fact opening. reveals constant room for improvement and openness to interpretation. also reveals subjectivity of own interpretation of memory and shatters assuredness of recollection of reality.
additional contribs: catholic(and other similarily structured religions ie most of usa + radical islam etc) ideal(not universally applied but interpretable in this fashion). I think part of the fact I can ascribe it to catholicism is while I was dragged to a catholic school I don't think I ever got into the idea of confession or accepted the fact that there was some sense to spending some time in a box to talk about what I feel bad about and come to terms with it and let someone with more life experience and wisdom than me guide me through that. That's not really what's going on in a lot of modern churches but it's probably where it comes from and with that as a tool for coming to terms with yourself I see how the idealism-confession balance could be a self-balance management tool worth using. the big logic block/problem idea though is that we are actually expected to live up to christ. (this is referring the catholic one which is most relatable for me having been sent to catholic school for first 3 years) the actual ethical lesson of christ was that he was not even human he was special and we were supposed to try to be like him but we were going to be to him what truth is to absolute truth, at best really close, and more likely really far. another big problem with the logic of christ is he gets a prize in the end. It doesn't end up seeming like he actually sacrificed for us. That short blurb and we see the cartoon video of him flying up to a big party? How's that actually a sacrifice? If we accept heaven as real and as hard to get into as they wanted us to believe it seemed like no one's getting in and he's just chillin up there with a ton of freshly baptised and then dead babies. That's what I got to in school and refused to accept and then started defining the world for myself. It's not fair, he's special, part god from the get go, so it's all easy for him, then he still gets into heaven for it? Now I just have to try my ass off and I'm a wild bugger who'll never manage to live up to those standards so how am I supposed to get in. For an idol to work as an example in the modern world they can't just give their life they'd have to give their soul. I think when I stood up in class and rejected god that's what I told myself I was doing. I felt like I was being some kind of child jesus or some shit by eating it for everyone and telling them it wasn't possible to be like they wanted and it was stupid. Even though I told everyone I didn't believe in god at some level I think I totally still did and was just convinced I couldn't get into heaven and so pretended I didn't as a method of escapism. At some level I was probably trying to pull other people down with me. That would explain why I have impulsive religious swearwords nonstop and stuff. It would also explain my need to construct rational arguments strong enough to hurt religious people and shake their beliefs. While often they had their own constructions within their beliefs and that's why they could be shaken, I held myself as above them, supposing I had dropped all such beliefs from myself, but in fact had simply replaced god with myself. (props Isaac calling that one out, I'm not sure you meant it at this level though.) The interesting part about this was I think if you do that you actually find out we're a bit more powerful than we think we are if we take the other side of the coin completely. While I definitely got pretty out there and crazy, I also pulled off some reasonably crazy stuff. The parts where I get a bit to the hmm section are my medical records. I'll see if I can pull them together to get a nice objective set of evidence, but I have a pretty solid hunch that there will actually be what seems like an objective actualization of my self projection. I don't think that's because I'm special. I think that's because I experienced so much intensity of such a stark contrast, with tons of very dark negative experience, but an incredibly huge amount of positive energy poured into me as well, which led to high stimulus and a huge amount of energy flowing through me, which actualized itself inevitably both in positive and negative fashions. Shit even if I turn out to be special I don't think it's good for me to think I'm special. Don't tell me I'm special. It turns me into a douche. If you're dealing with shit like I am you can do anything I have, maybe you already have and then some and I just can't see it, or maybe you just need some help. If you need help get to the hard part and admit it to yourself. Then you might even find out you can carry the light for yourself, and find that path everyone's been tending for you.
What I worry about is people who haven't had the positive energy of the world poured into them like I have. How can they ever reclaim themselves? They'd have to be much stronger than me. Some of them certainly are, some of the stories we see. Likely lots of people lose themselves to inner conflicts like this one I've been facing though. I know I would have if it wasn't for a huge amount of help. This help wasn't just from all you people though. You're awesome no doubt no hate. But a good deal came from this planet, this universe, being, and time. I think I learned to open myself moreso to this energy that was trying to come my way and help me and that's what got me through. Official memo though: no one try to recruit me to your particular religion! I've seen insight in too many to accept one particular. I will not close my mind to new wisdom. Thanks.
level of ethical perfection ascribed is unattainable, and for people receiving enough external evidence to accept given suggestion of themselves as "special" and needing to uphold such standards inevitably fail such standards and as a result fall into a deep complex of guilt and escapism. it feels wrong to be guilty so it seems like you have to blame someone else, which leads to escapism. as I discovered it within myself I tunnelled deeper and deeper into my past and blamed different people as I challenged myself as to the why of each person I tried to blame. When I failed to find enough evidence to support my challenge instead of giving up I continued to seek evidence, and actually confront myself on suspicion. I was lucky enough to not hit a breaker point where I found a person who I could not forgive and understand at least enough to move past. It took a long time to get to that point. It was when I hit a straight up logic glitch at the far end of it and realized I was crossing from sociopathy to psychopathy as my temper was being triggered by nonsensical events and when it was my mother recognized it as resembling PTSD. I think I was also lucky to be a stubborn tough bugger who faces shit head on because when I finally was able to recognize everything was my fault and there was something wrong with me I got to tunnelling in to fix it.
tools of pattern breaking: accept personal responsibility for all actions. we can't control our thoughts but we can control our words and our actions. all of them, even if it didn't feel like it. recognizing own vulnerability and weakness, and universal inner potential of being. opening my eyes to how much of this seemingly objective strength that was ascribed to me as an inherent trait came from the energy poured into me by people who projected themselves onto me and as a result poured their energy into me heart and soul to the depths, to the point where it shone out of me and others saw it and poured themselves into me, and even despite my inability to embrace it properly it was like an ignorant plan in bright sun: I still grew. I had one glitch in me but most of me wanted to be good and nice but there was just this one processing loop that I kept hitting that kept building up shit inside of me and getting worse and worse. I had a set of experiences that fed it quickly and made it into something that actually showed itself. I think a lot of people deal with stuff that's like what I dealt with just that happens more slowly, and they beat without realizing they're going to war. I found it a relief to see a name labelled onto it and a study which resonated so well with my pattern of experiences. It still doesn't explain much about it though. My hope is that by experiencing it and remembering it reasonably well I can do my best to filter through my interpretations of events and share the underlying information for the good of others who deal with stuff like this.
modernity contribs: significant availability of free to interpret information allows more easy construction of individual reality, internet enables finding and selectively relating to people who are easy to empathize with, as well as finding information and indulgences whic support any trend processing in head
answers: I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone when I was in that state of mind so I really don't know what to say for final resolution. truth is it is a matter of choice of interpretation at base. all these factors have outside influence but unless full responsibility is embraced it can not be fully addressed.
That I'm writing about it without reading too much is probably good. I skimmed the NiMH sheet and it made a lot of sense but, knowing I'm still dealing with this pattern inside myself, I chose to not study too in depth. I didn't want to go read it and then create a defense against the concept inside myself which would allow me to return to my self illusive state. It took a long time and a lot of work from a lot of people to construct the evidence and resolve it took for that self confrontation.
I recognize all this as very subjective self-analysis but hopefully it sheds some light. cheers folks
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