Moment of Clarity

So I think I figured out where this all came from, I'm pretty sure I've added together everything my brain has been throwing at me...

I've had this central focus of myself coming to peace via synchronizing and reintegrating communication between my conscious, subconscious, and body, software, firmware hardware... What I was trying to find in myself was an emotional memory hidden in my subconcious and affecting my firmware configuration to the point of disconnecting me from society and reality...

I think I found it.

My mom's nearly a year in the hospital, we only visited her once. In that time, I have a set of 5 memories. A picture of the front of the hospital . A picture of a moment visiting her. A picture of a teachers face. A feeling of confusion and anger in the schoolyard. And a young boy teaching me to not trust blindly by pulling a nasty little prank on me.

It all adds up. When my mom went to the hospital, I felt abandoned, alone, lost. I didn't realize or understand at first what was going on or why I lost so much support. My Dad was doing his best, but he's not two people, not a mom. I probably began to try to look to my teachers like my mother, which they rejected. The big moment though was visiting her. That was where I needed to reconcile my concious and my subconcious. What I remember processing in my head there is just the picture of my mother, unable to respond, eyes seeming blank, feeling just not there. In my subconcious though it accumulated that evidence and decided she was dead, and began to fight between sealing me up and reaching out for a new source of motherly love. I think when I got thrown into that locker is when I realized none of my teachers, none of the other women in the world, could do for me what my mother did. That's when I gave up my last hope at trust, and decided no matter what had happened, if she was dead or alive, I needed my mom back. That's when I did a deal with the devil. That's why I remember after that day making the physical effort to place a curse on that school raising my (what I thought was) the middle finger (I put up the 4th one, it was hard, that's why I thought it was a curse.)

I never remembered that though. Tried to hide it from myself. I projected my interpretation of what had happened onto the world and brought it to reality. I can only imagine what it felt like to have your son see you like you were returned from the dead, unable to fully trust you because he feels like you're alive thanks to a deal he made with the devil, fundamentally unable to trust, respect, listen because you are a terrifying representation of his loss of his soul in desperation.

That's fucked up.