A Reflection

An interesting thought while writing this is that almost certainly everything I'm saying, if it's right, someone else has already thought. It's just a matter of getting it out there right. I'm sure there are all kinds of things I've not worded perfectly so as to restrict their meaning to my intended interpretation. To try to use that kind of language to talk about it would be to specialize myself and separate myself from people and probably just feed into that same superiority complex/god syndrome/BPD/whatever that ridiculously complicated modernity complex I'm just climbing out of is/was/will be. That's the problem though, I'm pretty sure. Alot of people who strongly disagree actually just don't understand each other. If I seem wrong to you, I'd actually appreciate being called out on it. Even if it turns out you're wrong about me being wrong, I'd learn from your point. Or that's my goal anyway.

Another thought was reflecting on my drinking behavioural patterns. I really wonder who I turned into when I went blackout. It seems like I actually mostly made friends, rather than turning into some demonic figure I created in my imagination. I definitely also had some shitty inappropriate nights and stuff, but I have a feeling I may have been partly just trying to let out this big simple oaf a guy who just wanted to be what he thought he was: a man. Looking back it's pretty easy to remember my mental pattern of drinking. Drink hard, get fired up with the boys to start the night. Chug lots of beer or liquor, start the night at peak drunk, and then kind of taper. As soon as the alcohol would hit me I'd start to fill with lust. But I'd let it out really wrong usually. Only place I remember being good was at high school dances, and it was because I didn't even really have to talk there, just feel the music. But yeah. Usually what I'd do would be go into a mental state of chasing girls, but make no actual effort out of fear, not so much of rejection but I was scared of being accused of being too aggressive/scaring girls, I think with girls I saw myself as the demon I'd created inside me and had trouble trusting it, and always worried they'd see it and be scared off/not see who I really was. Sometimes I was actually up and on top of it, but it's easiest and most significant to look into the darkest nights. I'd go and tell myself I was trying with girls, but I'd look for the first thing I could call rejection, and then go into fight-wait mode. I'd hold to the rules I'd drawn for myself in the sand, but I'd be walking around, looking aggressive and grumpy, bumping shoulders and stuff, waiting for someone to cross that line I drew in the sand to get into it. That's me at my worst, but that's a little piece of the pattern that was in there all the time. There's another side too, a much happier nicer side, stories, hugs, friendship, and helping people, but this is the part I need to deal with. I can look at the happy part later. I know from memories and stories of me, when I'd get too drunk and my aggression would fire up, sometimes my friends would just find girls and get them to go be nice to me and nurture me to make me feel better. At some level I knew I wasn't just trying to get laid, I was looking for something girls have and I don't, trying to fill this hole. If I couldn't fill it, I'd want to let out the frustration with anger and violence, but honorable violence. I clung to that ideal. I think, looking deeper, it was just me finding a way to let out a part of myself I'm not completely in control of and don't understand all the way. It's like I just want to let myself out into the world, and I can do it through creation or destruction, sex or a fight were my most simple reductions of those much bigger concepts, and it was only when I turned off enough of my brain that the self constructed world I was living in fell apart and I reconnected to the reality around me that I was able to let them out, and I was doing so in a very poorly constructed fashion. From now on instead of fights and sex, work and making love, and not just the simple physical implications of those words, but the whole diaspora of being they can encompass with the openness to interpretation of the postmodern world.