Glow in the Dark

Embracing the darkest part of myself and doing the best I can to take responsibility for actions that manifest out of my subconcious was invigorating. I felt a distinct physical response. The trick with that is I did a series of physical preparatory factors which are easily part of the picture, and take away my ability to isolate the variable. As it should be I suppose. Anyway. My body seemed to feel a strong urge to cleanse itself, and something inside it triggered a bunch of endothermic reactions. My balls started to hurt, reminding me of some puberty cramps, then as I sat down to do business, I began to get the shakes and feel cold, which built up to pretty serious shakes, then I hopped into a hot shower. That felt amazing. I let myself enter the darkness in there. I gave myself a little therapeutic pain I could understand and know was helping with a gradual increase of hot water, and I let the beast out, just roaring at the top of my lungs, laughing like a maniac, letting this huge rush of energy and spirit and vigor rush out of me. I've got no idea what was going on inside my body but something definitely was. Part of me wants to believe it's my body finding a positive way to release the energy it was storing up and turning into seizures.

Letting myself embrace the beast also woke up another view of my past. A bit of a picture of me on my way down into the darkness, the how and the why. I was at a recently converted all girls religious school. I was also getting positive feedback at home which I chose to interpret as definite indications that I was exceptional/gifted. With that taken as a fact it was easy to feel elevated at school. Then I kind of made it happen, at least for grade primary hahaha. I won a book reading competition by an entertaining amount, and a few math test races, and was allowed to be myself and deal with myself as I needed to in the class. And I'm pretty sure they didn't get too deep into religion. The next year though is when things started to feel sour. I've got an interpretation of it which I think may carry some deeper value. I was in a class of almost all girls being taught by a teacher who had taught almost all girls. People learn by experience and form patterns, and this teacher had taught religion for an extended period. It's unavoidable that to one degree or another she specialized in her method of conveying the message to make it work for either her actual experience or her projected interpretation of her experience. Either way. She pushed her message out in a way that I felt was working better for the girls around me. But my brain was rejecting it. My brain was just trying to test it with the methods it saw on Bill Nye or whatever, using its imagination for experiments, and coming up with some of those annoyingly good answers pure atheists spam the internet with. Combining the feedback and evidence of my exceptional nature with this state of events in my classroom of feeling asynchronous with the wisdom being shared and unable to tap into what they were getting, I decided instead of embracing this mysterious connection/strength they had which I couldn't understand or gain from like I could feel them doing, I decided to reject it and elevate myself to the hero by telling the teacher I rejected her story because it didn't make sense. That's another moment when I took a step in the wrong direction. I chose a destructive answer instead of a creative answer. I saw this special connection/status in the girls around me, but couldn't let myself come up with my special strength like the one they had. We'd proved girls were equal in every way. I couldn't think of my special ability to spread seeds and positive energy, I didn't grant recognition as I should have to the male side of the act of creation. I think I was scared of how I was bigger and stronger than the people around me, started and reinforced by my premature sister, who I really do love an incredible amount, who I saw be nurtured and cared for to a level which drained my mother to the edge of her abilities, and I choose to believe no other woman could have done in her shoes (size is a point!). I think maybe that's another seed complex. I felt like I had to love her, but I saw how much my mom gave her. I chose though to interpret it as her taking it from my mom, and didn't let myself see my mom's desire to give and that she was choosing to do it.

The interesting thing about this big complicated thing is that I seem to be able to keep taking passes at it and coming up with answers, and I'm not even sure how well they all work together, but I seem to learn a great deal from all of them. Embracing the responsibility of my actions to their deepest nature was essential. But letting myself see what I understood of myself and what my intent was, and also taking a glance back at instinctual moments where I learned I had some courage and honour beyond and below my rational line. My memory has held onto less of those than negative ones, and it's probably reasonably correct, but I have a feeling part of it is me reinforcing my desire to avoid letting my confidence overgrow its boundaries once more. There is a balance and a contrast to almost everything, maybe everything.

My hope though is I have indeed broken this at its base. What I'm really hoping is true and what I read out of myself is I made a transfer in code structure sitting at the base of my operating system. I was going in binary before, all 1s and 0s, stacked and layered and made into a super complex system to the point where it looked like it was beyond just Y/N simplicity because of its sophistication and complication, but it took as an essential principle a law that simply ceased to work. What it feels like now looking at myself is that by opening myself fully to the subjectivity of my existence, and some deeper more complicated pieces of insight towards the essential structure of reality and my role in it, opening myself to a created idea of my nature and purpose that feels universal and fair and true. My theory is that our creation of the concept of mind-body-spirit will somehow be represented in the relation of energy-matter-dark matter. We've chosen through history to project ourselves onto reality and interpret it as representations of ourselves. This is not our essential nature however, but a tool of development naturally occurring as a step forward. The essential purpose of the nature of being time is a progress of sophistication. It takes massive steps forward and massive steps backward and renders it nearly impossible to climb high enough up the rabbit hair to look down and see the whole beast, but on the will and corpses of our predecessors, of the beings, energy, and matter we've used to fuel and build them, we may climb high enough to see ourselves and what we are a part of as one, and embrace our role. In the act of embracing our role we can recognize ourselves as not independent beings in a self-determined reality but contributing pieces of an incredibly complex system. We don't have to have a purpose that elevates us above the purpose of being and time, it is more than enough for us to be drops into an ocean. We need to learn to understand and trust each other to get there, but once we can really see each other we will see everything more clearly. I'm going to hold onto that belief for hope.

I think I finally let enough out that my body's going to let me go to bed.