So I wrote for the first time in a while last night. It turned out to be a long post. I think it was good for me. It turns out I may be using this blog as some modern e-daptation of a confession booth almost. It's my way of clearing up and pushing out the turmoil of my mind, trying to structure it at least a little, and see what it looks like when I actually push it out into reality. I share what I write pretty openly and don't edit it very much, I think it's better to try and share this experience as what it was like for me in the moment and from my eyes, rather than a glossed and controlled presentation.
I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in ages. Pretty odd considering it's mid-cycle. Last night was day 8 cycle 8. I actually think it may be my dietary revisions boosting my body's maintenance systems to the point where they can keep things in a more adequate balance against the wonderful life saving toxins. It may turn out to be just a one day off thing, but I actually feel like I'm full of beans today, lots of energy, and a lot of the negative stuff that has been caught in my mind feels a lot more free and able to be let go of. That's a part of why it's tricky to determine cause of this effect too however.
I've spent a lot of time lately working very hard at confronting myself about some negative issues caught deeply inside me. I've been trying to seek out the real base of some anger and other feelings that have been hard for me to deal with. My anger is really my worst one. I have a temper that greatly discomforts me. It was a huge challenge and problem for me growing up and one I told myself I'd dealt with, but rather than having actually confronted I just buried deep inside myself. The stress of this time has brought it back up closer to the surface, and times I've had it brought about in me have been terrifying. When I feel the chemicals release I get this feeling of a doubt of self-control. The feeling of fear I get as I begin to feel that is almost like the feelings I'd get with precursor sensations of a seizure. My whole life I've told myself this temper is just some natural bred in thing. I'm a barbarian or a warrior or whatever. I begin to doubt it lately though. More and more as I push in at it my anger and frustration seems to be at the center of everything, with a much more complicated set of reasons behind it. I don't really feel like I understand it well enough to try and explain it now. I'm going to keep working on it though. I'll actually be going to a shrink early in January to get some more discourse going and try to bring in a nice objective, wise, perspective. I probably won't talk about that much on here though.
I feel like my reckoning against that temper and part of myself, the negative thoughts, could hopefully be a parallel to my chemo experience. Scary to first encounter, hard to begin the battle, and not an easy one to fight, but one with a lot of lessons and a lot of gains to seek if it can be confronted. I don't thin I'll ever totally take that part of myself out, but I need to at least rebuild my control over it, and in a more honest and direct fashion.
Stepping back to just the real life basics though. Up early, feeling good. Drank my prune juice, let Winston out, writing on the blog. Plan for today is pretty basic. Pick up the POT woodchipper for the tractor, spend some time with my family. It was potentially going to be delivery day for the "minihome" (my mcmansion I call it) today, but we had some bad weather last night so it's going to be cancelled. Not too big of a deal though, it should still be able to be in before long. It'll be nice to get to move into my own place. I've been off my land and staying at my mom's cottage a while now and it's interesting how different it feels. I got out on my land for a few hours yesterday, working and playing with my Dad, and that left me feeling really good. I find myself thinking of future potential and hope and all kinds of good things. I don't seem to relate well to staying in family houses. I definitely won't whine about it, it's an incredibly beautiful place and is treating me well, but I definitely excitedly anticipate getting to move back into my own little world.
Well, time for breakfast. Off to the blender!
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